Little Man (2006)

What we have here (or heeeaaah) is the story of one tiny man. A wee person, a little pocket sized guy if I could be so bold. This Little Man gets out of prison and commences directly with a jewelry store robbery using his tiny skills and the help of never critically acclaimed actor Tracy Morgan. Sadly the smallish fellow runs into an itty-bitty problem when the fuzz catches wind of his nefarious plan. This stubby and stunted gent must change his stratagem just a slight bit which unfortunately brings an innocent young couple right into the path of his diabolical plan. An ill gotten diamond is the prize this slight hombre seeks with his scheme. The couple, the wife's grandpa, and our teeny-weeny anti-hero form the crux of our narrative, this journey into darkness that is perhaps the nadir of this year's crop of baddies.

Sorry about that. I was trying to class the joint up the bit because honestly I had to take a long hot shower and think about where my life was headed after this viewing. Putrid is not really even the right level of adjective but I'm not able to scream at you through text. I guess it's not even that this one is so terrible as it rolls through its midget 80 minute running time, I think it's more the fact that it was made at all, or that it will make money. That's the bad part, that's what truly gives you pause and makes you think maybe personal freedom and creativity isn't such a hot gig all the time.

I think the plot was covered by the first paragraph but it is so razor thin you shouldn't care much anyway. Wayans gets out of the joint and he seems to be about two feet tall which allows him to pose as a baby. Or a toddler. Actually it isn't at all clear what he is posing as because he alternatively breast feeds and plays tackle football. I'm flummoxed as to the logic there. You've also got a little bit of scatological comedy thrown into the mix, always funny stuff, and the mandatory joke about him sporting a monster johnson, which actually doesn't make huge sense either because he's two feet tall. Congrats Little Man, you've secured a spot in the bottom ten!

I'd also like to point out for the public record that Rob Schneider is in this one and I believe he was probably paid with three square meals and a roof over his head a day. I guess we've all got to eat, I know I do. Okay, so back to why this one is a definite no fly zone, there is the old bit where someone wants to tell the other person something but can't because the other person talks too fast and then decides not tell them because the fast talker says something they like too much. Remember that funny bit? You should, because it was first done in the Charlie Chaplin films where they didn't even freaking talk. Good Lord.

Okay, so at the end of the day don't see it. It's vapid, unfunny, and completely obvious. I guess if you are drunk or high it might get your goat or if you're getting some type of government assistance because you eat paste on accident. Or if you need those warning labels that tell you not to use the vacuum on your eyes then I'd say this is the film for you!

Man, now I've gone and taken this one from classy right down into the gutter. Sorry gentle squires. I'll get you back next time.