Contrary to popular opinion Breach is not the tale of a whale. Instead it’s the story of the biggest security breach in F.B.I. history, nay, in U.S. history. Ryan Phillippe stars as a young bureau employee (he’s not an agent, so don’t try it) and Chris Cooper weighs in as the culprit (the real life Robert Hanssen). The story (which is pretty straightforward given how complex the case must have actually been) has O’Neill (Phillippe) working for Hanssen while also trying to spy on him. Laura Linney plays O’Neill’s handler and as she’s an LL I can’t speak against her. I probably wouldn’t knock her anyway.

Sadly there are problems afoot. The film should be intense and suspenseful. Instead it’s one silly line after another. People actually scream “Can I trust you?” This is followed by “The real question is can I trust you??” C’mon guys let’s bring the varsity game next time. O’Neill and Hanssen had known each other about 25 minutes when this exchange occurs so it reeks of a “Hollywood Trailer Moment.”

Now, to his credit Phillippe is almost believable as the young non-agent on the case but Cooper is a little off. I think one of the issues might have been that it didn’t seem like the writers were dealing with many facts; the breach remains largely classified which means the methods and capture are pretty vague. The interaction between Phillippe and Cooper comes off as cartoonish most of the time. It’s not a cat and mouse game, it’s an overacting game. And no one wins that game.

The wife in this, played by Caroline Dhavernas, is odd too. Not her specifically of course, she’s probably great, but the character is pointless. She’s the wife of non-agent O’Neill and she’s from East Germany. She also worries a lot. That’s her, that’s all she does, but she gets about 20 minutes of screen time to convey this. You got me. There’s also the classic set-up of fixing everything you’ve been snooping around in before the big boss man gets back. So suspenseful!

Time for some compliments. The movie starts strong; I’d say the first 30 of the 110 minutes are interesting. The set-up is done pretty well as Phillippe stumbles around looking for any solid fact he can hang his hat on. He’s under the thumb of a domineering boss on an unclear assignment. His East German wife is all over him. Now, if Phillippe had started drinking pretty heavily and acting like Mark Wahlberg we’d have been in Happyville (population: B-Luv) but real life didn’t oblige us there. The movie also has the barest glint of enjoyabe investigative technique which should have been expanded upon. It’s also a bit funny at parts, even if that’s not on purpose.

Sad to say but Breach is a pass. I’ll throw a caveat out, past Music and Lyrics there is essentially nothing out in theaters so maybe if you’re bored this could pass for a matinee ticket. Besides that Breach is a no-go, a bloated and beached whale.