Movie Review: I Love You Beth Cooper (2009)

Wow, now this is an awful movie

I have walked out of only one movie in the six years I have been doing this job, and I Love You Beth Cooper came dangerously close to being number two. However, I am positive if I was a paying customer I would have left the theater and asked for my money back after only 15 minutes or so. This movie is downright awful and it extends beyond the stereotypical teen rom-com set-up, which would hardly be reason enough to complain. This film is an assault on your intelligence and a waste of your time. To think Chris Columbus directed it is an absolute shock, and I don't say this as a die-hard fan of Home Alone or Mrs. Doubtfire, but you would think the director of those two films, plus the first two Harry Potter features wouldn't sink this low.

The film is based on the Larry Doyle novel of the same name and Doyle also adapted the script in which "Heroes" star Hayden Panettiere plays Beth Cooper, the object of affection for high-school valedictorian Denis Cooverman played by Paul Rust. Unfortunately for Denis he's never said one word to Beth and has always been forced to love her from afar. He's also painted as a dork and Beth is the captain of the cheerleading squad, which sets up our age-old tale. At the urging of his best friend, Rich Munsch, Denis decides to proclaim his love for Beth in his valedictory speech at graduation, which is where we welcome the film's title and an overall 102 minutes of insufferable nonsense.

The premise is nothing new, and like I said, nothing worth getting upset over, but the execution certainly is. I'm not sure if Columbus was trying to make some sort of an homage to brainless rom-coms or was simply so uninterested in this film he just set up a camera and shouted, "Action!" in hopes he got something worth piecing together, but every frame of this film is hate inducing.

Denis is portrayed as an unlikable punching bag as he defends himself with a homemade light saber, falls off the roof, gets hit by a car, gets beat up enough times to warrant what should have been five visits to the hospital and even has a blown-up poster of Beth over his bed. Speaking of which, the fact Beth spends another minute with this guy after seeing that poster is astonishing, but that also speaks to her character who is neither likable, unlikable, smart, dumb, average or what-have-you.

Beth is wholly uninteresting, unengaging and, at times, uncharacteristically self-deprecating. The fact she is flanked by her two best friends playing the parts reminiscent of every "hot girl" entourage seen in every other teenage rom-com makes her a stereotypical nobody. There is no connection or interest to be had in her or the relationship between her and Denis and I challenge you to find one.

The only part of this film I would even consider calling decent is Jack Carpenter as Rich, whom everyone believes is gay but he denies it throughout. Rich's tendency to quote movies as if it were a welcome addition to the story becomes a little bit like nails on a chalkboard by the time the film is over, but he does manage to bring a small token of life to an otherwise lifeless film.

Beth Cooper would have been better suited as an after school special in a time slot where no one would have ever seen it. I haven't been this annoyed at a movie in a long time and the film is so full of flaws pegging something down specifically wasn't easy. Should you check it out perhaps you will find reasons to like it, but it is one of those movies that just rubbed me the wrong way from the outset.