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DVD LIVE BLOG: 'Hitman' Unrated!

Will this be a disaster or sweet success?

I have never live-blogged anything in my life. I have left all of that goodness to Laremy as he has consistently brought us successful commentary on the award shows including his latest effort on the 2008 SAG Awards and the cluster fuck that was the 2008 Golden Globes... I still don't know how he managed to pull of the Globes one, I was having a hard enough time updating the winners as they were announced let alone commenting on the makeshift presentation. Just wait until this Sunday though, he is going to be on fire as we are all amped up for the 2008 Oscars.

However, after my semi-live attempt at blogging Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 I have wanted to give it a real shot and what better candidate is there than Fox's upcoming release of Hitman on DVD? After all... IT'S FUCKING UNRATED!!!! Oh man, I bet they get it on and do the dirty backwards at the end of the bed in the middle of a gun fight with exploding heads and plenty of vagina and dick shots. I mean, that is what "unrated" means... Doesn't it?

So, without further delay, let's get into this and see how it all shapes up... At the end of the blogging I will give you all the DVD and Blu-ray details on the release.

11:27:35 PM: Just a quick note, all times are Pacific and yes, I am starting this at almost 11:30 PM as Anderson Cooper is playing on my TV for the third time today.

11:28:24 PM: So I hit play on my now, apparently, out-dated HD DVD player and am ready to roll.

11:29:13 PM: Commercial one is for Fox's digital copy feature. Who does this?

11:30:18 PM: Next is "Rescue Me" and now AVP: R... followed by the absolutely terrible thriller Death Sentence. I can't skip over these fast enough.

11:31:19 PM: The menu system is all decked out and playing the rather cool opera music that accompanied the first trailer making the film seem more sophisticated than it actually was.

11:31:46 PM: And we are a go for Unrated Hitman glory.

11:32:52 PM: We begin with the "How to Make a Hitman" segment... most important... BAR CODE!

11:33:28 PM: Oh yeah, this will include spoilers up the a-hole so stay clear if you don't like that sort of thing.

11:34:27 PM: Okay, this opera music is annoying as shit now.

11:34:48 PM: Oh, Skip Woods wrote this bad boy. We have someone to blame folks.

11:35:19 PM: We are in London, it's raining, therefore scary and the faux-Bourne rip-off score begins. Strings? Check.

11:36:14 PM: And the Hitman appears: bald, chatty, bald, and hellsa cool.

11:37:04 PM: "How does a good man decide when to kill?" Oh man, this is some really intense shit.

11:37:42 PM: Bad guy is an organization known as "The Organization", it is so secret no one knows it exists. Except for the all-knowing, all-seeing... HITMAN!

11:38:25 PM: Torture scene with a fella that wishes he was Djimon Hounsou... and it goes UNRATED with a visible arm removal!

11:39:14 PM: Actually I can't remember if that was in the original film or not. I did my best to forget, but it's in there.

11:40:55 PM: Hitman is getting "hit" on. He knows she isn't interested because he is bald and has a bar code on his head.

11:41:25 PM: Diss on the girl, peace out bitch... gots people to kill.

11:41:59 PM: Hitman puts his hand in the ice... will that play a role in what is to come? Hmmmm... let's see...

11:42:46 PM: Oh man, Hitman in the shower, but no cock shot, only bar code. What a fucking rip off this unrated DVD is already.

11:43:41 PM: Hitman is talking to his computer. Very hi-tech shit!

11:44:30 PM: And the Bourne rip-off score is full steam ahead.

11:44:56 PM: A public hit has been called into action. Hitman is...

11:45:08 PM: Snap! He's splattering heads!

11:46:12 PM: Oh no, hot chick alert!

11:46:48 PM: It's new Bond girl Olga, Hitman's on the prowl and about to cap the shit out of her, but wait, she doesn't recognize him.

11:47:21 PM: Fuck, it's a setup. Hitman #2 missed! That's why he is #2, he misses. Makes sense.

11:48:33 PM: Uh oh, Dougray Scott is investigating, "rewind that," and now the Hitman's location is revealed in St. Petersberg.

11:49:30 PM: Belicoff is alive! Hitman missed? Or was it all a setup? This is tricky stuff.

11:49:45 PM: Hitman threatens his computer. He is one tough mother fucker.

11:50:48 PM: Dougray Scott is with Interpol just so you know and he wants the Hitman. Now T-Bag from "Prison Break" shows up. He's FSB and about to step all over Interpol's toes. His accent is spot on.

11:51:31 PM: They are moving in, dressed in gas masks for some reason. Now we learn Belicoff called a hit on himself as the computer calls Hitman! Things are moving fast!

11:52:07 PM: Ha ha ha! The kids are playing the Hitman game! What a coincidence!

11:52:27 PM: Yup, ice is back in play. Hitman hid his guns there. What a pro!

11:53:34 PM: Gas mask guys must be baking in those suits as they chase Hitman around the hotel. And now he's in the elevator shaft and killing the gas mask guys in there. I think this is bloodier than the theatrical version, let's call it an UNRATED ALERT!

11:54:01 PM: My dog looks at me as the hotel alarm in the movie seems to be bothering him.

11:54:37 PM: Dougray finds Hitman but the maid is in the way and too stupid to duck when guns are pointed at her.

11:55:25 PM: Hitman escapes and gas mask guys have got to be wondering why they were wearing gas masks and now some douche triggers a program on Hitman's computer erasing the hard drive.

11:56:11 PM: Hitman is walking around town all wet. Walks into a store that has just what he needs: black suit, white shirt and a red tie. Inconspicuous is the plan here.

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  • Symbiote666

    Nice review. One of your pics is broken and it would have been a lot better if you weren't trying to sound so smarmy, but still, thanks! I'll pick this up just for the blood.

    And FYI, Skip Woods is NOT the guy to blame for this, nor is Xavier Gens.

  • Laremy

    I never thought I'd read full four pages dedicated to Hitman in my entire life. However, I contend that this is the best review of Hitman that will ever exist... and I really wish DVDs would come up with an "Anal Alternate" scene selection. Just good business.