I Can't Wait to See 'Marbles: The Movie!"
Roger Ebert once again reminds me why I love him
Roger Ebert just won't give up on his mission to remind us all how bad Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was. Today he posted a new article headlined "The toys that ate Hollywood," which prognosticates what children's toys Hollywood may snatch up next. He casts them and sets up the scenarios and some of them are absolutely priceless.
I'm not sure what I like most about each one, but the inclusion of an exclamation point after each title is a priceless addition letting us all know Ebert is fully aware of just how ridiculous things have gotten in the world of online movie reporting and the Hollywood studio system's attempt to appeal to the lowest common denominator.
Take a look at a few of my favorites:
Gotcha! At a suburban high school, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton fight each other in the lunch room using water balloons. Both are wearing thin T-shirts and get drenched. No nudity.
Explode Me Elmo! Elmo (Seth Rogen) is a bright red space alien. Humans discover that when they tickle him once, he chortles. Twice, and he laughs aloud. Three times, and he explodes and destroys Earth.
Spud Guns from Space! Aliens from Space land and find Earth potatoes are unsatisfactory. They fire helpless humans at each other.
Marbles! Secret of the Universe! Nicolas Cage plays an astrophysicist at MIT who intercepts the feed from the Hubble Space Telescope and determines that the stars in the sky are in fact giant, brilliantly-glowing marbles. Enhancing the digital information, he discovers a giant thumb and forefinger in the abyss beyond space. They hold an aggie.
Sandbox! The Movie! Giant red, yellow and green plastic buckets, shovels and scoops attack from outer space, dig up the Earth's topsoil, and throw it all over the place.
You can click here to read the full commentary and also click here to read his latest Answer Man response to an emailer hating on him for his endless barrage of Revenge of the Fallen insults.
Showing 16 Comments
~ PLEASE NOTE ~
If, in any way, your comment is an attack on the author of this post or a previous commenter, your comment will be deleted without question.
Add a New CommentNOTE: The Facebook login option has been disabled. We apologize for any inconvenience. |
Click to Read Our Commenting Rules & Guidelines
thank God for Roger. Keep fighting the good fight
Explode Me Elmo! instantly reminded me Woody Allen's Sleeper.
"The same screenwriters who were paid $8 million to write "Transformers" have now been signed by DreamWorks for an undisclosed sum to produce a movie version of Asteroids, an old video arcade game that features triangles trying to shoot at circular objects. DreamWorks promises it will be family-friendly."
Whoa, that's scary!! :/
Why don't they hire Michael Bay to direct this?
It could be called "Armageddon 2: Asteroids"…
PS: someone received 8 fu***ng million dollars to 'write' Transformers? Really? Oh my, we should all rot in hell, this is just… so wrong!
@Leandro Dubost: Yeah, $8 million. In all of my discussions about Transformers 2 somehow I neglected to bring that up. Shocking isn't it?
What? No Hopscotch musical starring Hugh Jackman?
I give you… the poster for Marbles: The Movie:
http://m0vie.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/marbles.jpg
Alternative tagline: "Get some balls…"
Asteriods is a video game movie. It means lots of entertainment without much story. Truthfully, after seeing movies like Tron and Resident Evil: Extinction, It could be a pretty good movie.
Oh, and where is the Voltron movie? It has a better story than any form of Transformers, and more giant robots not in a Terminator movie…
Roger Ebert liked Fighting. You remember it? The one with the boom mics? Of course you do.
@kdogg:
So Roger Ebert liked "Fighting." The operative word being "liked." And that only made–what?–$30 million? Actually, more like $27 million. The thing about Roger Ebert is that he's not afraid to admit liking a not-so-amazing movie, so whenever he says he likes or doesn't like something, you know he's telling the truth. He feels like one of your friends: not someone you always agree with, but someone who doesn't like a movie just because everyone else does.
The thing about TF2 is that it's so god-awful, and yet it's already cracked $300 million in the U.S. and $600 million worldwide. We need every detractor we can to come out of the woodworks and proclaim just how putrid that film was. It's too late to stop a third installment, but we can make it disappoint at the box office and stop a fourth.
The point is Fighting is a far worse movie. It sucked on every level. Hell, it wasn't even technically competent! There were boom mics visible in like a dozen shots?!? You're saying it's okay, because Fighting failed. But, because YOU (can't group you with critics cause I'm not sure if you is one) disliked Tran2, it should fail? That's silly to the point of ignorance. Tran2 isn't a hate crime. It isn't racist, sexist, or homophobic. 0 out of 3. Bruno is AT LEAST racist (the depictions of black audience members in the trailer–i.e. the Jerry Springer obese black women with their eyes bulging out of their heads) AND homophobic (you can't seriously deny that it's capitalizing on that, can you??). 2 out of 3. Sorry, JM, but IMHO: your priorities, and maybe every critic cheering for this win, are WAY out of order.
" I do enjoy “cool cars, giant fighting robots, gorgeous women in their early 20s or big explosions,” but only when I find them in a better movie than this one. I guess that’s why I gave the first “Transformers” movie three stars. "
Effortless.
Ebert don't give anyone in Hollywood any ideas.
Totally off topic but…
@kdogg: Kira Smith was the boom operator for Fighting. A quick check over her IMDB shows that she was also the boom op for Lost in Translation, a movie starring Scarlett Johansson, Bill Murray, and a shotgun mic. I wonder if Kira went to school with Tom Hartig, another upstager with the boom pole.
@GregM: I totally commend the mic operator for Fighting! I couldn't do any better! I mean, you've got a mumbling, marble mouthed Channing Tatum "reciting" his dumb@$$ lines, what else could you do? You'd have to lean the mic down to his face! I mean, you can actually see the mic inching ever closer to him in some shots. I think at one point, it was closer than my Jawbone II!! LMAO!! I blame the director, the editor, and the special effects guy (they should've hired one!) for not cutting that stuff out!
i do not like trailer homes because it is not sturdy enough specially when the weather goes bad *.*