The Rocker (Blu-ray Disc)

Here's the deal on The Rocker staring Rainn Wilson of "The Office" and "Samantha Who" star Christina Applegate: I couldn't finish watching it. I tried, three times to be exact, and each and every one I made it about 40-minutes in before the extremely unpleasant lameness of it all pounded me into angry submission. It is, to my knowledge, the very first time I have ever -- and I've been reviewing movies in one form or another since the sixth grade -- been unable to not watch a film all the way through start to finish, so that should speak volumes as to just how much this particular comedy (and I use that word loosely) drove me crazy.

The basic set-up is one part School of Rock and two parts This is Spinal Tap yet without any of the youthful buoyant energy of the former and the reasonably inspired lunacy of the latter. Wilson plays failed '80s bad-boy hair band drummer Robert 'Fish' Fishman, a wannabe star given a second chance when his nephew Matt's (Josh Gad) high school garage band, "ADD," finds itself in need of a drummer. Applegate plays the band's chaperone and driver Kim, a single mom who falls for Fish despite his utterly irredeemable juvenile antics.

In the spirit of full disclosure, the furthest I made it into this was the point in the film where the band performs their first on-the-road sound check, roughly the 48-minute mark. I made it this far on the second viewing, both my first and my third attempts coming to a conclusion during Fish's naked YouTube jam session that is supposedly the picture's highpoint. Personally, I found that bit to be pointless and disgusting, but considering I found the rest of what I watched just plain boring I guess that means this scene does work at least upon some psychotically asinine level.

With that being said, I do not feel qualified to give you a definitive take on this film. All I can tell you is I found Wilson to be unfunny, Maya Forbes and Wally Wolodarsky's screenplay to be inept and Peter Cattaneo's direction -- the man who made the amusing The Full Monty -- to be practically nonexistent. For me, this movie was like descending to the seventh level of Hell, and considering I've managed to sit all the way through unforgivable train wrecks like Deck the Halls and the despicable Rollerball remake this is truly saying something.

I did not attempt to listen to either of the film's two audio commentaries included, but I did watch the Deleted Scenes (which are just as horrible as anything in that first 48-minutes), the admittedly kind-of-funny Gag Reel, the Vesuvius Gags (which made me chuckle), the Matt Gags (which did not), the interview with Pete Best (which is good, but why did he sign on for this?), the Vesuvius Public Service Announcements (which showcases far more originality than I expected) and the "I'm Not Bitter" music video (which is borderline excellent, mainly because the song is surprisingly decent). What I did not watch were any of the remaining featurettes, the MTV Film Festival panel or the making-of podcasts.

I apologize, because I know I should be giving you more. The Rocker was unendurable, and I've got better things to do with my time than trying to watch pieces of grotesquely unappealing rubbish like this.