The first shot of Book of Secrets is of a one legged Civil War soldier hobbling across the screen, and the title card fades in right as he enters the frame. I shit you not. Director Jon Turteltaub probably did not realize it at the time, but he has undoubtedly stumbled upon one of the most apt establishing shots of all time. Not since the red lights of the speeding car at the beginning of Goodfellas or the dolly through the gutter from Brick has a director captured a movie's essence in the first few seconds. This time, however, it's not intentional. Turteltaub is far too inept a director to ever intentionally make something subtle, and this can only be viewed as a happy coincidence.

Not quite Indiana Jones and not quite The DaVinci Code, National Treasure is a cripple of a franchise that is not fulfilling on an intellectual level or even entertaining. Book of Secrets throws the same conventions as its predecessor against the wall, only in a louder, more head-ache inducing manner. Nicolas Cage still sucks, and now his forehead has gotten bigger. The same can be said about the rest of the annoying cast of characters, as Book of Secrets has given them all more screen time and found a way to amplify their most annoying characteristics. There's still treasure buried in some improbable location, only now things are more convoluted. It's almost impossible to watch this movie without wishing horrible illness on all involved with the production.

The annoying thing about the special features that overflow onto Book of Secret's second disc is that I actually had to watch them. I usually enjoy listening to music that lets me pretend I'm cool while writing my reviews, but this time I had to watch hilariously unfunny bloopers, a tedious commentary, and lame featurettes instead. You can see why I'm in such a cranky mood.

While I understand why some people may have found the first National Treasure entertaining, none of that fun is in Book of Secrets. The thrills are joyless and not particularly thrilling, and the humor will have you craving the wit of a George Lucas script. Don't even think about collecting this Collector's Edition.