Halloween (Unrated 2-Disc Special Edition) (DVD)

Wow, I know Dimension tried to hide Rob Zombie's remake from critics and the few that shelled out their own dollars to see it and review it didn't have anything nice to say, but I didn't expect it to be this bad. What Rob Zombie has done here is definitely his own creation as he has taken everything that was good about the John Carpenter original and turned it into a sloppy mess of blood, screaming, nudity and trailer trash. Of course those can often times be the ingredients for a satisfying horror flick, but when the film is as slow, monotonous, cliche and repetitive as this it becomes an exercise in unnecessary boredom.

The back of the DVD says that Zombie has reinvented the ultimate slasher, which begs the question, "If it is the ultimate slasher then why reinvent it?" This is like saying round wheels work really well, but I think it is time to make a square one. The remake fever in Hollywood is running rampant, but producers need to evaluate each project on a basis of what can be brought to the table that makes remaking it worthwhile. As far as Halloween goes there isn't much, and Zombie's attempt to give us a damn near 40 minute back story of Michael Myers does nothing more than alleviate any mystery behind one of horrors all time greats.

I recently took a look back at the original Halloween as well as Clive Barker's Hellraiser (read that here). Halloween has obviously already been remade and Hellraiser is getting the same treatment, the difference being Hellraiser has elements that can be improved on thanks to advancements in special effects, whereas Halloween already hit on all levels. Everything necessary to make the movie scary were implemented, which meant Zombie was fighting the ultimate uphill battle.

No one wants a back story to Michael Myers, it was enough to know that the little shit cut up his family, leaving it at that makes it far more scary rather than trying to explain it only to find out he comes from the same animal torturing roots as many of America's famous serial killers. Instantly the mystique and intrigue in the character is lost and he just becomes a slow moving killer with a mask.

On top of that, explain to me why Zombie felt it was necessary to make the damned thing two hours long. The first 40 minutes are dedicated to Michael's youth while the final 23 minutes are dedicated to Myers chasing down his little sis, Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton). This "reinvention" reeks of cliché as nudity is used for the sake of nudity, and the minute you get naked is the minute you are killed. Even the gag where Michael poses as the boyfriend with the sheet over his head from the original comes off as so hokey it is comical and not at all frightening. After about an hour of watching this movie you will be so bored you will begin checking your watch as the final hour ticks away.

As far as this DVD is concerned I never saw the original as the studio didn't screen it for critics so I can't tell you what is new to this unrated edition, but I would surmise you would be safer just watching the original only because it has to be shorter.

The special features include a monotone Rob Zombie boring the hell out of you, an alternate ending that is even worse (but at least shorter) than the one he chose, a pile of deleted scenes, a look at all the masks used for Michael as he grows up, casting sessions and screen tests and your average everyday making of mumbo-jumbo. Tyler Mane, the guy who played grown up Myers is quoted saying, "I think it's scarier to know what's going on behind the mask than just the mask." WRONG! It is the fear of the unknown that always made Myers scary, that, and Carpenter's amazing score and directorial choices.

The only feature worth a once over is the blooper reel, and that is only to watch Malcolm McDowell fuck around like a little kid in a candy shop. Truly, you see shades of Alex de Large in McDowell even though it has been 26 years since he played the iconic character. The final shot of the blooper reel is McDowell saying into the camera, "Do you think the Weinsteins will see the dailies? If they do I'm fucked!" Fucked indeed Malcolm, but not because you were screwing around, but because your director put together a worthless pile of filth.

Rob Zombie's Halloween is a worthless exercise in how not to be scary. When the final 23 minutes of your film involve a man walking after one girl as she screams her way through a neighborhood and no one helps her you know you are in for trouble. This was the first film from Rob I had seen, and it doesn't have me anxious to see any more.