Deck the Halls (DVD)

I tend not to believe in the zero review. What is a zero review you might ask? Well, I'm talking giving a film nothing out of ten, no stars whatsoever or, immediately relevant to this site here, a bottom-of-the-barrel grade of "F."

In my time as a professional critic I've only given a handful of such reviews; the horror films Hostel: Part II and The Devil's Rejects, the ill-advised 2002 John McTiernan remake of Rollerball and last year's Christmas comedy Deck the Halls. According to Rotten Tomatoes that's four out of 749 features I've loathed enough to give this sort of rating to, and while in some circles that might make me a bit of a pushover it should also just as clearly let you know just how ungodly horrifically catastrophically awful I think each of these motion pictures actually is.

But I'm not perfect. There's the chance I could be wrong. Maybe I was having a bad day when I first saw these movies. Maybe the audience was so unruly I stopped noticing the screen and was concentrating more on them then on the film. Maybe, but probably not very likely, but seeing as I tend to be a giving human being I'm more than willing to at least give them the benefit of a modicum of doubt.

Of course, that's all well and good in principal but I'd like to see you put it into practice when faced with something as heinous and nigh unwatchable as Deck the Halls. Sitting at home, I freely admit I couldn't even watch the thing for a second time, turning it off barely twenty minutes in and absolutely refusing to go any further. This supposed holiday comedy with Matthew Broderick, Danny DeVito, Kristin Chenoweth and Kristin Davis is sheer torture, and in the annals of films I've had to sit and review (whether at home or in the theater) this might be the single most awful of any of them.

What does that mean in regards to Fox's new DVD release of Deck the Halls? Well, it means I cannot tell you anything about the commentary track with DeVito and director John Whitesell, have no insights on the three featurettes making up the special features. It means that I have no wish to go into the mechanics of the sophomoric plot (bickering neighbors learn the true meaning of Christmas after lots of personal humiliation and property destruction), have no desire to talk about how the entire cast deserves better (especially Chenweth) and are simply just phoning this one in.

I hate this movie, and if you have the chance to do anything else other then watch it (root canal, tax audit, a Yanni concert) then I strongly urge you to go and do so. Make of that what you will.