I like Gun N Roses as much as the average person enjoys Star Wars. Casually. I don’t own any albums or songs on my iPod, but I can still listen to their music on the radio without wanting to crunch my car into the nearest piece of large concrete–although I cannot say the same for Motley Crue, Poison, Van Halen, and the odious Def Leppard. Other than Bon Jovi, GnR is the only 80s Hair Band still relevant today–despite not releasing an album in 15 years and whose sole original member is a corn-rowed, Howard Hughes wannabe with a screech so shrill it can skin a pond full of alligators.

“Chinese Democracy” has years (actually 1.5 decades) of hype behind it. How can you not be interested? It’s as if your Uncle Axl has been promising you the biggest Christmas gift of all-time, just remain patient. And as each year rolls by, the myth of what the mystery gift is grows exponentially. First it’s a new dirt bike. Then a Corvette. And finally you expect a learjet.

Yet, in the end, when that legendary day arrives, he hands you nothing more than a box full of sporks from Kentucky Fried Chicken–all still in their original wrapping! Why? Because your Uncle Axl is a crazy motherfucker and you should have known better.

Yet, I’ll still hit up Best Buy tomorrow and see what the sporks are made of…just maybe they’re golden sporks.

I’m finished.

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