“But our trip was different. It was a classic affirmation of everything right and true and decent in the national character. It was a gross, physical salute to the fantastic possibilities of life in this country–but only for those with true grit. And we were chock full of that.”

—Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

I’m off to San Diego tomorrow to cover the Comic Con.

I’m finished.

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I want you all to check out my buddy Will Scheibel’s blog or El Scheibel as I’ve recently nicknamed him without even telling him…okay, okay I just came up with it right now. You can also click on the link in the right-side channel if you’re too lazy to do in this post. Other than being one of my best buddies, he’s also one of the smartest persons I’ve had the pleasure of meeting, especially when it comes to film–after all the man is getting a Ph.D in film studies (okay technically it’s Communication and Culture, but make no mistake, it’s film). On top of that, he’s the biggest Batman fan I know. Way crazier than me–and I consider myself a pretty decent fan of Mr. Bats. Anyway he just posted his review of The Dark Knight–surprise, surprise, it’s a rave…and it’s definitely a review that thoroughly takes into account several sources influencing Nolan’s vision. Very interesting read, as always.

Despite El Scheibel’s brilliance, I still like to gloat about the fact that I recognized Batman Begins was leaps and bounds better than Tim Burton’s films instantly, while it took him awhile and only after much insulting from me to change his mind in seeing things the right way–I’m such a totalitarian. In the words of Alfred, “But I did bloody well told you so.”

I’m finished.

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When did Amy Winehouse morph into some nightmarish muppet? That bitch scares me. From the tabloids it appears she punches at least 3-4 random strangers a day–a rampage of crackheaded fist-fury terrorism if you ask me. So I’m sure she’ll be knocking on my door next. For the good of the world, I think it is time to put Amy Winehouse to sleep.

I’m finished.

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!

I’m finished.

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Bat-time: Midnight!!!!

I’m finished.

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Amanda flew out early Monday morning for Alabama. Real early. I didn’t even know the Eastern Iowa Airport had 5 am flights–so that meant we were up and moving at 3 in the goddamn morning. But it’s all good. A business trip for her new job, where she has already heard some encouraging news–but I’m not repeating it in order to avoid the dreaded jinx (and I’m not even superstitious).

She comes back tonight–just in time for me to drop her off at the curb and zip away to get a spot in line for The Dark Knight. So that basically means I’ve had 4 days of pure bachelorhood–late nights, lots of beer drinking, walking around in my underwear, not picking up anything, so on and so forth–although I do pretty much all these things when she’s home too, just not to this degree. It was a minor victory that I managed to shave yesterday. This experience has answered the eternal question of how quick can one man trash a perfectly clean apartment when his wife leaves. The answer: approx. 2 days.

Here’s a picture book of the last 4 days for you.

Day 1: Get Drunk with a Monkey

Day 2: Underwear Party

Day 3: Drink because there’s still beer in the Fridge

Day 4: Huh?!?

This all goes to show that I, like most married men, can’t function very well without my wife.

I’m finished.

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It’s official. My hype-meter has just cracked the glass and snapped off the needle . Roger Ebert’s review of The Dark Knight is up. And like his review for Batman Begins, it’s an utter rave–well I assume it is after seeing the 4 stars and reading the opening paragraph (I’m still trying to avoid spoilers).

I honestly wasn’t sure how Ebert would react to the film. He’s notorious for throwing curveballs at summer blockbusters. Everyone’s lovin’ it. He does not. Or vice-versa. And since his recent medical issues, I’ve noticed he tends to lean away from summer films that go dark (his review for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is a good example).

But this is the news I’ve been waiting for. The next day and a half shall suck!

I’m finished.

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Little Boston, CA–Oscar winning thespian Daniel Day-Lewis disclosed plans Monday to open a nation-wide chain of milkshake parlors named There Will Be Milkshakes!, in reference to his latest film and acclaimed performance in There Will Be Blood.

When asked how his milkshake parlors would manage to compete with established ice cream franchises such as Dairy Queen and Steak and Shakes, a bent, unshaven Day-Lewis replied, “Drrrrainage! My boy. Drainage. I’ll drink it up. Everyday. I’ll drink the blood of lamb from Dairy Queen’s tract. Dairy Queen is a false prophet of the milkshake business and the Choco Cherry Love Blizzard is a superstition!”

Afterwards, Day-Lewis admitted he desires no other milkshake companies to succeed and sees nothing worth liking in all other ice cream related products. Then the press conference concluded suddenly when Day-Lewis glumly stated, “I’m finished” after threatening to cut the throat of Steak and Shake CEO Duane Godable if he ever told him how to run his milkshake maker again

With previous forays into shoe making and wood working, Day-Lewis’ decision to enter the milkshake business surprised few Hollywood insiders.

“The man can do it all,” said Alan Monowsky, a Hollywood agent at Creative Artists Agency. “Day-Lewis is known for staying in character long after production. My guess is he’s still Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood in some ways. But starting up an oil business these days is just a ridiculous idea. So since Plainview has that great line about milkshakes, it’s not shocking Day-Lewis is entering the less cut-throat milkshake industry in the persona of Plainview.”

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(At the beginning of this year I wrote a few satiric pieces for a website that was to be like a movie-news version of “The Onion.” Sadly, the site never launched. But I’m sort of proud of these goofy, little pieces I wrote completely off-the-cuff. So over the next few days, I’ll be importing these sad orphan bastards into this blog. I hope you enjoy. Or not. As if I care either way. Ok, of course I care. I’m finished)

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Hollywood, CA–In a last minute press conference Sunday morning, Warner Bros. Studios surprised and delighted movie fan boys across the nation by announcing the much anticipated teaser for The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 would be revealed during the Superbowl.

“Director Sanaa Hamri has been locked in the editing room for 2 weeks straight in order to put together this exclusive spot for the Superbowl,” said Warner Bros. publicist Jerry Savage. “I’ve seen it. It’s arguably the most emotional 1 minute and 25 seconds I’ve ever experienced. Male movie geeks across the country won’t be disappointed. We’re expecting a hugely positive reaction across the Internet, where this teaser will be available for download Monday morning.”

After the news was issued, Aintitcoolnews owner/operator/self-proclaimed Head Geek Harry Knowles proclaimed in a headline, “The Best and Greatest Footballtastic Teaser EVER to be Witnessed During Superbowl!! MOVIE GEEKS REJOICE!!! Warner Bros. is OUR NEW GOD!!!!!” And within the article Knowles went on stating, “I was tingling in my ballsack for the Iron Man spot. I had a juicy boner for a possible Dark Knight trailer….but The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2!!!! Oh my god this is better than my birthday and Christmas and Fantastic Fest and The Rolling Roadshow and an Olsen twin threesome all rolled up in one….I’ve been dying to see some footage from Hamri’s sequel. Dying!!!!! What an awesome brilliant masterful beautiful surprise from Warner Bros!!!!!”

Knowles wasn’t alone in his enthusiasm. In movie website forums across the Internet, fan boys were exclaiming in ectasy. According to one film nerd who writes under the handle AnakinJonesSolo, “To be serious guys, I have brain cancer. I was hoping to live long enough to see The Dark Knight. But with the surprise teaser for TSofTP2 coming out, I know I can hold on till August now. This teaser will make me live longer. I know it!!!!!”

Little is known about the story for The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. However, according to a synopsis on the Warner Bros. website, the film continues the adventures of a pair of traveling pants.

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(At the beginning of this year I wrote a few satiric pieces for a website that was to be like a movie-news version of “The Onion.” Sadly, the site never launched. But I’m sort of proud of these goofy, little pieces I wrote completely off-the-cuff. So over the next few days, I’ll be importing these sad orphan bastards into this blog. I hope you enjoy. Or not. As if I care either way. Ok, of course I care. I’m finished)

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Beck’s latest album, “Modern Guilt” is rocking my face off. Buy it.

I’m finished.

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