Bettie Page was The Sex.

I’m finished.

As you may have noticed, Radish Reviews has gone obvious and jumped on the Motivational Poster bandwagon. Between that and the teaser you now get up to 3 pithy Radish Reviews for the price of one. Can. You. Dig it? No. Oh ok.

I’m finished.

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AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE

I’m finished.

I like Gun N Roses as much as the average person enjoys Star Wars. Casually. I don’t own any albums or songs on my iPod, but I can still listen to their music on the radio without wanting to crunch my car into the nearest piece of large concrete–although I cannot say the same for Motley Crue, Poison, Van Halen, and the odious Def Leppard. Other than Bon Jovi, GnR is the only 80s Hair Band still relevant today–despite not releasing an album in 15 years and whose sole original member is a corn-rowed, Howard Hughes wannabe with a screech so shrill it can skin a pond full of alligators.

“Chinese Democracy” has years (actually 1.5 decades) of hype behind it. How can you not be interested? It’s as if your Uncle Axl has been promising you the biggest Christmas gift of all-time, just remain patient. And as each year rolls by, the myth of what the mystery gift is grows exponentially. First it’s a new dirt bike. Then a Corvette. And finally you expect a learjet.

Yet, in the end, when that legendary day arrives, he hands you nothing more than a box full of sporks from Kentucky Fried Chicken–all still in their original wrapping! Why? Because your Uncle Axl is a crazy motherfucker and you should have known better.

Yet, I’ll still hit up Best Buy tomorrow and see what the sporks are made of…just maybe they’re golden sporks.

I’m finished.

Just when I think I’m warming up to Mikey “I Rock the Bass for God” Huckabee, he goes and says something so atrocious that I wish his God would get on with the Rapture and relieve us of his presence. The guy has a decent sense of humor, but I don’t think he was joking when he spouted the following toad shit on The View:

“People who are homosexuals should have every right in terms of their civil rights, to be employed, to do anything they want. But that’s not really the issue. I know you talked about it and I think you got into it a little bit early on. But when we’re talking about a redefinition of an institution, that’s different than individual civil rights. We’re never going to convince each other…But here is the difference. Bull Connor was hosing people down in the streets of Alabama. John Lewis got his skull cracked on the Selma bridge.”

Getting beyond the mind-numbing contradiction of his statement–”homosexuals should have every right in terms of their civil rights, to be employed, to do anything they want (unless of course they want to marry one another, fuck that shit Yaweh style)”–Huckabee displays a sickening level of callow ignorance here. Hmm yes, obviously Gay Bashing is a figment of the liberal media’s imagination, just like evolution and the First Amendment.

Apparently Huckabee forgot about the late Harvey Milk or Matthew Shepard (among the thousands of homosexuals murdered in the last quarter of a century). Or perhaps he thinks they were just a couple of queers who forgot to avoid bullets, fists, and fences.

I’m finished.

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Read’em and weep and adore and idolize and plot my murder mother bitchies. I’ve got an Inauguration Day ticket, thanks to my friends Harley (aka Ryan) and Melissa and their pal Cory, courtesy of Iowa’s Republican Senator Chucky Grassley. Ohhh yeaaaah. I’ve gone rogue. I’ve gone republican. Time to scrub this blog of all my unpatriotic, terrorist sympathizing, libtard communist rants and bathe in the color red and go gay (on the unmarried, it’s a choice, down-low) for Toby Keith. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! I will sneak in the neo-con’s back door (in an umarrying, it’s a choice, down-low sort of way), stage a silent coup and rebuild the Republican Party in my own image. The bastards will never know what hit them, even as they’re signing off on universal healthcare and free DVD copies of Fahrenheit 9/11 for every American citizen.

Jesus God I’ve huffed too much WD-40 tonight. Vote Grassley! Time to tow this post back to reality. The reality being: I’VE GOT A FUCKING INAUGURATION TICKET!!! Huzzah! Vote Grassley! Actually since early October I’ve been planning on hitting up D.C. on January 20th. You know to witness history and stuff. Vote Grassley! You really only get once chance to say you were there when the First African-American President was sworn in–well, unless he wins a second term. However, I had no expectations to get tickets, knowing they’d be hotter than a Beatles Reunion tour with the resurrected zombies of John Lennon and George Harrison. Vote Grassley! So when I asked my Pennsylvania friends if I could crash at their fortress for my trip to D.C., I was shocked to hear these Obama supporters have a friend connected to a powerful Republican Senator from Iowa (Vote Grassley!), who could score us all tickets. Oh happy happy, joy joy indeed! Vote Grassley!

Actually, other than witnessing history, and apparently attending some parties afterwards due to their friend in Grassley’s office, I’m just happy to hang out with Harley and Melissa for a few days. I’ve only seen them for a total of 2 or 3 hours since they moved to PA a year and a half ago. So that shall be nice.

Oh and to rub it in…

I’m finished.