Why I'm Not Excited about 'Spider-Man 3'
Too much Aunt May and not enough actual action
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Coming in at #10 on the all-time domestic box-office list is Spider-Man 2, which was released in 2004 and grossed $373,585,825. Over at RottenTomatoes this film holds a solid 93% rating (Spider-Man got a 90% rating), even Roger Ebert called this the best superhero movie ever at the time. I wonder if ol' Roger would say the same now after Batman Begins and considering X2 was released the year prior I can't believe he thought Spider-Man 2 was better than that film.
The major problem with Spider-Man 2 is that it is only two hours and eight minutes long, but it feels like it is at minimum two hours and 30 minutes. Of course Aunt May is one of the major reasons this film drags, especially since she is given a different kind of screen time in this film.
Instead of the staggered and quick moments with May in the first film this time we don't get a single visit with Auntie that is less than one minute. Oddly enough her screen time is only one second more than the first film as she gets 14:45 of the 128 minute feature which gives her approximately 12% of the time yet again. Only this time the length of time she is on screen is brutal as she blathers on and on about shit no one wants to hear. Let's take a look:
10:21 – 11:21 (1:00) - It's Peter's birthday! Woo hoo! After Peter has been in the house for approximately 1 nanosecond Aunt May says, "Well say something." How about let me catch my breath woman!
12:23 – 14:26 (2:03) - Uh oh, Aunt May has no money! She is a little behind her payments and considering she doesn't make any money I have no idea how she will get out of her predicament. Maybe a homeless Aunt May will be more entertaining.
OBSERVATION: Twenty-four minutes into this thing and all Spider-Man has done is deliver a pizza and then when he finally comes on screen it is just used as a device to make sure he doesn't make it to Mary Jane's play on time. BRILLIANT!
QUICK QUESTION: How come no one stops for cops in the Spider-Man movies?
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46:54 – 48:21 (1:27) - Aunt May is trying to refinance her home and Doc Ock interrupts her transaction, and sorry, no free toaster!
49:50 – 52:46 (2:56) - Aunt May gets kidnapped by Doc Ock. Hey look, the same plot device is being used again.
OBSERVATION: Oh man, an Uncle Ben flashback… this is certainly not needed. Hey Spider-Man is quitting and now Peter Parker is a klutz again. This is all played out with "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head," which means it is highly annoying.
1:10:01 – 1:13:31 (3:30) - Aunt May and Peter visit Uncle Ben's grave. Aunt May blames herself which makes a lot of sense, had she not been so annoying maybe he would have wanted to stay home more. The scene moves back to May's house where Peter tells her it was his fault. Aunt May freaks out and we can only hope it will be the last we see of her, but I am afraid there is no chance of that being true.
1:21:18 – 1:25:07 (3:49) - Aunt May is moving to an apartment and she tells Peter she loves him, but only because it is integral to the story. Then she gives a long ass speech as to why Spider-Man and heroes are important. Thanks May!
QUICK NOTE: What is up with the odd slow move in on Mary Jane's lips?
I WONDER: Would no one on that subway train really tell who Spider-Man was? I envision everyone running straight to get the police sketch artist and asking for A LOT of money from The Daily Bugle.
See, told you there were fewer different scenes with May, but this time around they were so f'ing long it made the movie drag and drag. She doesn't exactly have a pleasant voice to listen to, and people who tuned in for Spider-Man 2 didn't come to listen to an old wind bag give speeches about heroes, they came to see heroes in action.
All this taken into consideration we come to the May 4, 2007 release of Spider-Man 3…
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