Why I'm Not Excited about 'Spider-Man 3'
Too much Aunt May and not enough actual action
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With the coming of Spider-Man 3 I felt I had to right a wrong I made in the past when I was just getting started with this site and was rather vulnerable to the blockbuster. Back in 2004 I reviewed Spider-Man 2 and gave it an "A-" even though I wasn't all that impressed with it. I do say in my first few lines that the second movie is far better than the first, but by no means is it worthy of the "A-" I gave it. In fact, I would probably give it a "C+" now that I am not so swayed by pre-movie hype and the allure of the blockbuster.
So, with that said, I have decided to take the time to revisit both the first Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 with a bit of play-by-play commentary primarily focused on the worst part of both movies… AUNT MAY!
Aunt May, played by the Oscar-nominated actress Rosemary Harris is one of the most annoying characters in comic book film history. Every scene she is in slows down the movie and adds NOTHING to the storyline. As you will soon see she is only in the movie to add a person for the bad guy to abduct or hurt in an effort to piss off Spider-Man. Either that or to give us a long speech on morals and other crap.
While my play-by-play call pretty much focuses on the antics of Aunt May I do add a few bits and pieces on the film along the way. Let's begin with Spider-Man then move on to Spider-Man 2 and then I will add a couple bits of opinion on the third film which hits theaters on May 4.
Spider-Man was released in 2002 to the tune of $403,706,375, which currently places it at #7 all-time on the domestic box-office list. If you adjust for inflation it still holds strong at #33. So basically this was a major success. My only question: WHY? There are so many flaws in this film starting with the casting of Willem Dafoe, who is almost too creepy and scary to even play a villain. Looking at Dafoe and his sinister glare makes me feel dirty every time. You might call that inspired casting, I call it disgusting. Also, whoever thought James Franco was a good actor should be fired and I think Flyboys and Annapolis proves my point here.
To go along with that we start with our typical superhero premise, Peter Parker is a kid that gets picked on and then gets super powers. Peter is in love with the girl next door who happens to be named after our good friend marijuana. You see Mary Jane is the object of Peter Parker's desire but right now she is taken, taken by a guy named Flash. Yup, Flash. What? You got a problem with the name Flash?
Truthfully, most of the scenes with Mary Jane are extremely painful, but since she is an integral piece of the story and Peter Parker's main love interest I am letting this go, but Aunt May I can't let go of. Yeah, she may be in the comics, but she drags these movies WAY down.
Of the 115 minutes in Spider-Man 14:44 involve Aunt May on one level or another. This means Aunt May, who is not super, has no powers, provides nothing and is highly annoying gets 12.8% of the running time. So, I sat down with the DVD and decided to dissect her every appearance, looking for something worthwhile. I found very little… let's dig in:
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12:37 – 14:06 (1:29) - Uncle Ben screws in a light bulb and Aunt May tells him how great he is. Riveting stuff.
18:29 – 18:45 (:16) - Rapping at the door from Aunt May, even the voice alone is annoying.
19:09 – 19:30 (:21) - Aunt May reminds Peter he didn't eat breakfast. Thanks May!
33:25 – 33:40 (:15) - Peter is going through some changes and on the other side of his bedroom door comes the question, "What's going on in there? You're acting so strangely Peter." No one ever said May wasn't smart as a whip, she has a spidey sense of her own.
34:15 – 34:32 (:17) - Aunt May knits silently and I am happy even though her presence still irks me.
49:25- 49:41 (:16) - Uncle Ben is dead and Aunt May cries. I'll give a pass on this one.
50:50 – 51:00 (:10) - Peter graduates and Aunt May is happy.
51:55 – 52:19 (:24) - Home from graduation.
52:33 – 53:47 (1:14) - Talking about Uncle Ben.
OBSERVATION: Green Goblin holds Spider-Man long enough for it to go from day to night, but during that time he never takes off his mask to find out who he is. Then he tells him his diabolical plan and takes off without knowing who he is. Even Mary Jane is smart enough to know he is wearing a mask as she unveils half his face to make out with him… what a slut! Nice rain revealing nip shot though. That was for the kids I assume
QUICK QUESTION: Why doesn't the Green Goblin just kill Peter Parker? Why play games with the people that he loves? Green Goblin is easily one of the stupidest villains ever. Also, when Spider-Man punches the Goblin in his face with the helmet on why does it hurt him? Wouldn't that hurt Spidey's hand?
1:25:12 – 1:28:40 (3:28) - Thanksgiving at Harry and Peter's is joyous until Norman Osborn figures out who Spider-Man is.
1:29:43 – 1:29:44 (:01) - "Harry Osborn!" Aunt May takes a quick second to yell at Harry after Harry yells at Mary Jane.
1:30:34 – 1:35:45 (5:11) - Aunt May is saying the Lord's Prayer and gets interrupted by Gobby. "Deliver ussssss…. From evillllllllll!" One of the worst scenes in the film easily. We then move to the hospital where she complains of "Those eyes! Those horrible yellow eyes!" Then she rests, quietly, thank God.
Next Mary Jane visits making this the longest Aunt May scene in the film, even if she is sleeping for a lot of it.
I will admit about 1:30 of this scene is Peter saying how great Mary Jane is, but it is all so bad that since she is in the room I am counting it all. Especially since they keep cutting back to May's eavesdropping ass. Mind your own business woman!
1:37:26 – 1:38:48 (1:22) - Back at the hospital and Aunt May is encouraging Peter to hook up with Mary Jane even though she is dating Harry. "Isn't that up to her?" she asks. Exactly Aunt May, boyfriends are like hurdles, you just gotta get over 'em.
So ends Spider-Man and it is almost midnight and I am wiped, but I have committed to getting this done so let's not delay and pop in Spider-Man 2.
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