Things to Do While Waiting for ‘The Dark Knight’
A daily diary of things to come from a very twisted mind
The early reviews have landed (and boy, do I mean early—I didn’t expect reviews for The Dark Knight to pop up until the week before its release). The good news: The Dark Knight apparently lives up to the hype. The bad news: The Dark Knight apparently lives up to the hype and now every day until the 18th will feel like an eternity as opposed to a century if the reviews were unfavorable. Yes folks, the next few weeks will be painfully loooong. So what can poor bastards like us, who don’t get critics screenings, do to pass the time until the magic hour? Well, here’s a day-to-day itinerary to set your calendar by.
Send out “Save the Date” cards reminding your buddies that
Watch Batman: The Movie. Find a shark. Punch it until it explodes.
Create a new yahoo email address, something like IheartBatmanBegins6969. Email Devin Faraci at CHUD.com for the 1000th time, telling him he’s a smell-tard for disliking Batman Begins. Email should contain no counter-argument to his points, but needs to include several expletive-laced insults and veiled threats of possible ass whoopings. Later, boast on the Aintitcool.com talkbacks about how you really ripped Devin a new bathole. Then call out Harry Knowles as a studio plant if he “loves” The Dark Knight.
Morning: Write your congressman demanding that the stars on the American flag be replaced with 50 Batman symbols. Afternoon: Drink beer from a Batman sippy cup you found at Goodwill for 25 cents. Night: Tie a brick of M-80s to DVD copies of Batman Forever, Batman and Robin and, for good measure, Catwoman. Light them up. Pee on the ashes. You are now truly celebrating the Fourth of July as the Founding Fathers intended.
Capture a wild bat. Name him Bruce Fang. Get rabies shot.
Watch Tim Burton’s Batman. Devise a complex mathematical proof involving all the branches of physics to explain why Batman’s batwing, with all of its technology, can’t hit a simple bull’s-eye like The Joker. Send theory to Dr. Stephen Hawking, an avid enthusiast of both physics and Batman, and most especially physics involving Batman.
Walk up to a crowd of somber-looking people and shriek, “WHY SO SERIOUS?!?!” Nurse wounds with Batman band-aids after getting socked in the mug and thrown out of the funeral home.
Eat nothing but Reese’s Milk Chocolate Batcups, Reese’s (Bat) Pieces, Kit (Bat) Kat Crispy Wafer Bars for an entire day, in the hope they will fill your stomach with delicious spoilers and give you the body of Christian Bale.
Take a break from Batman. You deserve it. Spend day looking up Transformers 2 rumors and pics of Megan Fox, in between posting anonymous rants on Optimus Prime’s flame paint job and the evils of Michael Bay.
Place Batman Returns DVD into player. Fast forward to first scene with Michelle Pfeiffer in S&M Catwoman costume. Masturbate. Fast forward to next Catwoman scene. Masturbate. Repeat until end credits. Then return to hanging out with your brother and questioning why your latest film, Speed Racer, flopped.
Go to Hellboy II: The Golden Army. Tell everyone it was damn good, but it’s no Dark Knight.
Watch Batman Forever. Or don’t, and huff model glue all day instead. The effect will be the same. And Tommy Lee Jones’ performance will still suck.
Call your local radio station and request “Batdance” by Prince every 5 minutes until it gives in. Immediately after the song begins call them back and ask, “What kind of mental defective would possibly want to listen to this piece of shit?!?” Keep calling until the Deejay cuts the song off. Call back and request it again.
Watch Batman and Robin with the audio commentary where Joel Schumacher apologizes for the film. Call up Joel Schumacher and tell him that after some consideration, you do not accept his apology.
Start spreading rumors that the third movie will feature a super-villain team and Christopher Nolan plans to cast film as follows: Dustin Hoffman as The Mad Hatter; Ashlee Simpson as Catwoman; Jonah Hill as The Penguin; Ashton Kutcher as Killer Croc; and Jared Leto as Poison Ivy. Shia LaBeouf will also appear as Robin. Sit back and enjoy as several movie websites pick the rumor up as fact, and eventually Variety reports it as their own story.
Watch Batman Begins. Write an essay on one of the following topics: If I’m not going to kill you, but I won’t save you from certain death am I by default killing you then? Or. How Batman Begins got me accidently laid in college.
Spend the day not dying. If you do die before midnight, ask God if The Dark Knight opens on the 18th in heaven. If not, demand to speak with God’s boss.
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