Filed under: Editorials

The Shallow End: 'Why I'm Turning into Daniel Plainview'

It's because of you, and you, and you, you're cool, and you...

So, I'm sitting in a full theater during my second viewing of There Will Be Blood. No real problems with the sound or picture, and the audience has been decent (for the most part). The film is climaxing, I'm talking one minute until the end credits, and then this wretched, haughty middle-aged woman sitting in the chair next to me starts yelling to her husband and knowingly to the rest of us, "I don't think I can watch any more. This is the most hideous, boring movie ever!" She then blabbers something else, which I didn't hear because I'm shouting at her to shut up.

She does.

Thirty seconds later the movie is over and she huffs, "Finally!"

I don't know how to react. Part of me wants to go off on her. The other part wants to physically bludgeon the shit out of her with a hand-held "Double Dragon II" video game from the '90s that recently found its way in my coat pocket. However, she and her fat boar of a husband scurry out before I make up my mind.

I see this shrill pill out in the lobby as her husband waddles into the pisser. I don't say one word. Then, of course, the entire drive home I'm regretting that I didn't – but obviously it comes off so much cooler in my mind than it would have in reality.

It isn't that she disliked the film that bothers me (full disclosure: I believe There Will Be Blood is the best film of 2007). I couldn't care less what her opinion is. What pisses me off is she felt that I, along with the audience, actually gave a rat's left testicle about her opinion. So much so that she felt important enough to screech her verdict to the audience during the film… and ruining the climax for the rest of us. Where do these arrogant assholes come from?

I used to love watching movies with audiences. My buddies and I would always aim for the 7 o'clock showing on opening night for the latest flick, hoping to see it with a fire-code breaking sized audience. There's something about experiencing a film with a large, excited, yet courteous, audience that can't be summed up in words. However, I've had so many incidents like the one this weekend, and some much much much worse, that when Friday rolls around these days, you'll see me at the 4 o'clock or earlier show in anticipation that I'm almost alone in the auditorium. Home theaters have modified people's behavior. If it's okay to act like an ass at home, folks feel like it's acceptable to drag that living room mentality into the public theater. It's an extension of the "Culture of the Cell Phone". Oh yes, we are doomed, my friends.

It's simple really, like Daniel Plainview I hate most people… at movie theaters. All I want to do is make enough money to build a mansion with its own movie theater where I can get away from everyone else. How sad is that? I don't know what's worse: rude audiences making me dread watching films in the theater or the fact that a soulless character such as Plainview feels like a reflection in the mirror some days. Actually the latter of the two is little surprise to me. Everyone identifies with characters from films. Just the ones I veer towards tend to be a darker sort.

A few years ago during some drinking game or whatever, I was asked which movie character I identified most with. I thought it about for a second and it was either Raphael from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Grumpy Bear from The Care Bears Movie, or Anakin Skywalker. Considering I'm pretty much a gigantic ball of tightly wound, repressed rage (and a Star Wars nerd), I went with Skywalker.

However, this utter hate for humanity only seems to boil up when I'm at the movies (and perhaps Wal-Mart). Maybe it's because I love cinema and revere the experience of seeing a movie on the big screen, and when assbags disrespect that it triggers the Incredible Hulk button in me, who by the way has always been the comic book character I've always identified with (minus the green skin and anything resembling physical strength). Otherwise, outside of the movie theater, I'm your average even-tempered dude, a guy who enjoys books, good discussion, and most of all, milkshakes.

With all of that said, I'm curious in hearing about your worst movie going experience – maybe sharing it will be sort of a cantharis – and since this column was two fold, what movie characters do you identify with?


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Post #1
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This article speaks to my soul. Thank you, David. I thought I was becoming a theater snob. I would like absolute silence whilst sitting the theater. I had a somewhat annoying experience when I went to see TWBB, but my worst experience has to be when I went to see Munich. People came in late and sat next to me, then decided to unpack the snacks they brought, mainly a plastic bag full of shelled peanuts. They had to ask each other if the other wanted any. For the first 15 minutes. Not that you need to HEAR any dialogue in that movie. Then half way through I hear a loud CRUNCH. Dude pulled out an entire apple. And was biting into it. I thought I was going to scream. I won't get into people bringing their toddlers to R rated movies like when I went to see Kill Bill and Sweeney Todd.

- Nicki1011
( February 4th, 2008 | 7:31 am )
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Post #2
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The only movies I want to see with a big audience are comedies, because hearing people laugh along with you usually makes things seem even funnier. Other than that, I'd usually be happier if I were the only person in the entire theater. It's rare to see a movie with a respectful audience, even from adults that should know better. One of my "favorite" pet peeves is when someone continually asks their friend stupid questions out loud that A) will obviously be answered later in the movie if they just keep watching, and B) their partner doesn't know the answer to in the first place. When I saw Assassination of Jesse James a couple months ago there was surprisingly a lot of this, and for some reason the entire theater seemed as though it was over the age of 65. One guy in front of me kept falling asleep and snoring ridiculously loud, so I was forced to kick his chair a little bit every 10 minutes or so in order to hear the dialogue.

- Nick
( February 4th, 2008 | 3:53 pm )
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Post #3
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I share your pain. These self centered individuals represent the worst humanity has to offer. The state of oblivion that these jackasses inhabit is simply beyond my comprehension. I once sat next to a couple who insisted on repeating the film dialogue at full speaking volume. When I interjected I received a lip smacking "Tchhh" response from the woman as if I was interrupting their private experience. A few minutes later the guy started smoking a cigarette, holding it under his seat as if no one would notice. At this point I couldn't even concentrate on the film anymore as I wondered "what's next". To my utter amazement he then loudly extracted a bottle of wine from a paper bag and proceeded to pour the contents into two glasses (GLASSES!) which were apparently stowed in his dates' purse. The experience was so distracting and bizarre that I can't even remember what was playing onscreen. Although this behavior is unbelievably outrageous it still doesn't rate as my worst theatre experience. That would be the time I got sucker-punched by three giggling frat-boy dolts because I told them to “shut up” during a screening of Boogie Nights. I used to visit the local Cineplex at least once a week but I can no longer handle these types of situations without feeling rage and potentially reacting inappropriately. I've since invested $6,000 in a home theatre setup. I perhaps only see about 3-4 films each year at the theatre. I'm much more satisfied with the home experience but I do miss the "charge" I get from seeing a blockbuster on opening night with an enthusiastic crowd.

- Stiggs
( February 5th, 2008 | 11:39 am )
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Post #4
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Nicki1011 said: People came in late and sat next to me, then decided to unpack the snacks they brought, mainly a plastic bag full of shelled peanuts…. I won't get into people bringing their toddlers to R rated movies like when I went to see Kill Bill and Sweeney Todd.

Shelled peanuts. Jesus on Pogo-stick! I had somewhat similar, but grosser experience. I was watching 16 Blocks, and some old dude waddled into the theater about 45 minutes in. Sat right behind me with a bag of popcorn. And while he munched loudly, I could feel wet chunks of the popcorn escape his mouth and land in my hair.:popcorn: I moved.

Yeah and what is it about dumbasses and toddlers in R-Rated movies. I remember watching a packed screening of Saving Private Ryan with a girl who couldn't be older than 4 sitting in front of me. Guess what the film freaked her out and she was turned around in her seat staring at me most of the movie. And recently, I swear a couple brought in their 2-3 old kid to GRINDHOUSE!!!!!!! And the kid of course was freaking out, and they were literally taking the kid in and out of the film every 5 minutes!!!!

- davidfrank
( February 5th, 2008 | 6:04 pm )
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Post #5
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Nick said: The only movies I want to see with a big audience are comedies

I completely agree with you. However, I can usually feel if a movie is truly funny anymore by watching it by myself. In the past this was more difficult, but in training to get away from audiences have chisled my mind to do this.

- davidfrank
( February 5th, 2008 | 6:06 pm )
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Post #6
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Stiggs said: I share your pain. These self centered individuals represent the worst humanity has to offer. The state of oblivion that these jackasses inhabit is simply beyond my comprehension. I once sat next to a couple who insisted on repeating the film dialogue at full speaking volume. When I interjected I received a lip smacking "Tchhh" response from the woman as if I was interrupting their private experience. A few minutes later the guy started smoking a cigarette, holding it under his seat as if no one would notice. At this point I couldn't even concentrate on the film anymore as I wondered "what's next". To my utter amazement he then loudly extracted a bottle of wine from a paper bag and proceeded to pour the contents into two glasses (GLASSES!) which were apparently stowed in his dates' purse. The experience was so distracting and bizarre that I can't even remember what was playing onscreen… That would be the time I got sucker-punched by three giggling frat-boy dolts because I told them to “shut up” during a screening of Boogie Nights.

Those are definitely some of the worst experiences I've ever heard of. Although when I do go off on someone, I tend to make sure I can take them in all out brawl…which I why I only yell at the elderly.

- davidfrank
( February 5th, 2008 | 6:08 pm )
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Post #7
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I think the scary thing here is that this problem is just a reflection of what is happening to the country. It's a general dumbing down of society. I don't find it just a coincidence that many of us had one of these "bad trips" at "There Will Be Blood". More things exploding might have worked better at keeping people's attention, but as a friend of mine said about "There Will Be Blood", "There's just too much talking." I think the other destined to be a classic movie that came out this year, "No Country for Old Men", does a little better with the audiences because it has shooting. Chasing. Killing. And that's no slam on "No Country". I'm glad I'm not an Academy voter because I'd pull my hair out and scratch off my flesh debating "No Country" and "…Blood" in my head. Great year for movies with just those two. But everybody loves "No Country", and those that don't only complain about the ending, and that's because they don't know what happened. A proper ending was not spoonfed to them. Everyone's stupid but me.

- ThinLine
( February 7th, 2008 | 3:49 pm )
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Post #8
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This pisses me off all the time and im always the one who gets "that crowd" . During the beginning of cloverfield the theatre is absolutly packed , dark screen everything is silent .. until a massive douche bag and his friends start to scream and yelling out penis and vagina … Some people laugh ,others call out that they are immature . Then to my delight this God of a man stands up walks over to the kids and shoves his finger in the kids face and says " if i hear you fuckers talking through this movie i'll take you to the back of the cinema and rape you" ….. I wanted to leave becasue i had to piss my pants in laughter . The kids didnt talk at all and the movie was amazing so i think im gunna find that guy and bring him to my movies with my friends and if ne one starts screaming ill throw him at them … hahha what a solid idea.

- ranman14
( February 11th, 2008 | 1:55 pm )
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Post #9
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Thank God it's not just me! I haven't been to the cinema for ages without some ignorant person ruining the film by talking, or asking questions that will be answered if they just payed attention a little bit, or the most annoying sound in the world, the rustling of plastic bags or sweet packets. The worst time I ever had was at a special screening of The Wizard of Oz, only 3 performances in total, with a live orchestra instead of the soundtrack, where these people sat down behind me and spent over half of the film rustling paper bags and sweet packets almost constantly. Just as I had reached the very end of my very last tether, and was about to turn around to launch a set of expletives at them, they finally shut up, when it was almost over. A special night ruined by selfish, inconsiderate people. Why do people bother to go to the cinema if they're not gonna shut up and watch the damn film? You pay in…for what? To piss people off with your talking? Sometimes I think they do it on purpose…

- hedgen16
( February 20th, 2008 | 5:03 pm )
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