I'm wheezing and coughing up blood and burning like a vampire in daylight with a temp of 103 or so. Got the flu. And it's not good. Not much to do while quarantined in my apartment. Reading, watching TV, and farting make up my list of options (did I mention the pills the Doc has me on give me the gas?). Reading needs too much concentration—which I sorely lack at the moment, as this column will prove. And despite my DVD collection amounting to a small fortune, I can't find any I feel like watching. So that leaves weekend cable TV, which means '80s movies up the kazoo. And I've been flipping though them for the last couple of days (even though I own several on DVD).

Finished Ghostbusters a little bit ago. Police Academy is on soon. Yesterday included Gremlins, See No Evil Hear No Evil, Mr. Mom and Commando to name a few. Swore I caught a Steven Seagal flick or two Friday evening, but I don't remember.

News broke the other day that Hollywood wants to remake one of my childhood faves: Short Circuit—sadly, I haven't found this flick on the TV this weekend. Anyways, I've made my feelings on remakes pretty clear. No matter how bad they are, you still have the original. A remake won't make that go away nor does it ruin it. And I'm all for remaking a film with a good concept executed poorly. So you could say I'm not a hard liner on remakes.

But.

Goddamn is it just me or is every announced remake these days that of an '80s film? Off the top of my flu-fried noodle right now I can name Friday the 13th, Hellraiser, Fame, Escape From New York, The Karate Kid and The A-Team, which sort of counts, as upcoming remakes. I bet Zapped! is coming down the pike soon too. In a few years when these remakes hit cable, it's going to confuse the eye moisture out of people searching their cable guides. Alright Short Circuit is on! Aw shit, I was hoping this was the one with "The Gut" not Zach Braff and Jessica Alba.

That level of confusion and disappointment is difficult to take. But it's the way of the future. The trend. No stopping it. At least not without nukes and an army of rabid fire breathing badgers at your command. Good luck with that my friend.

So we must accept that sooner or later a remake of Bolero is going to happen. I got an idea, one probably born out of fever-induced delirium. Yet, if Hollywood is hell-bent on remaking every '80s flick, then let it. Between now and the end of 2012 (end of the Mayan calendar so it seems fitting) Hollywood will redo every '80s film. The whole fucking canon if they like. Let the hacks and studios blow it out of their systems like a bran muffin would. During this period real filmmakers will fine-tune their projects and after 2012 they get their chance to make them. Moviegoers and lovers who have no desire to expend their time on "'80s Part II" can focus on fixing the serious issues of our time: pointless war, failing economy, corporate control, poverty, racial divisions, and Britney Spears custody battle. Oh yes, 2013 could be the beginning of a second Renaissance.

But Davey once Hollywood remakes all of the '80s flicks, won't they move on to the '90s? Ummm. Sorry. One problem one solution at a time. That's a new problem. And oh what do you know? I feel a coughing fit revving up and I think Police Academy is starting now. So I'll have to get back to you on that one. Don't call me. I'll call you.

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