Those Geico cavemen must be pissed. It turns out that not even 160,000 years of evolution can make them as attractive as the cavemen were back in 10,000 B.C. You see, on top of being rather well dressed, the humans in Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 B.C. also speak perfect English. From a historical basis this film looks like it struggles, but I hold out hope, even if it’s hope Barack Obama would have a hard time selling.

First off, in honor of the characters of the film, I would like you to now call me by my 10,000 B.C. name, which is B’rad. This can be pronounced as “Bē-’rad” or “Bə-’rad”, either way is cool, but I must insist you do me this in honor of D’Leh (not Delay), Tic’Tic (not Tic Tac), Ka’ren (not Karen) and Lu’kibu of the Lu’kibuvians. I would also poke fun at Marco Kahn’s character named One-Eye, but that sort of takes care of itself.

I am making jokes here, but while I originally intended this to be an article making fun of just how stupid 10,000 B.C. looks based on surface factors, it actually appears it doesn’t really offer anything more comical than what I already said (which isn’t much). After all, how funny is it to point and say, “Hey, they didn’t speak English back then!” Not all that funny as it turns out.

I am not a historian, and I know hardly nothing of what happened in American history let alone the year 10,000 B.C., but a little bit of research online in an attempt to find comedy on the basis of absence of fact led me to find out I wasn’t going to come up with much. At least nothing all that funny, even if 10,000 B.C. does throw a lot of history out the window.

Sure, these guys wouldn’t have been speaking English, they wouldn’t have been as advanced in tool making, wouldn’t have had the clothing featured in the film and there wouldn’t have been folks building pyramids or floating around in sail boats. However, there would have been mammoth hunters and the tail end of the Pleistocene epoch and the beginning of the Holocene epoch is when scholars believe humans began to become more advanced in a hunting and gathering kind of way. They look different than the cavemen we are used to seeing because they aren’t really cavemen and while they wouldn’t have been speaking perfect English (obviously) they probably would have been more advanced than “Ooga, booga.” Of course, it wouldn’t have been a subject, verb, predicate kind of deal, but I think you catch my drift.

10,000 B.C. isn’t a documentary, and it couldn’t be considering the time period it is based on and the lack of knowledge we have of that time in history. I am just upset I couldn’t make more fun of it prior to going into the screening this Thursday. Yeah, that’s right, they are screening it for us the night before it opens… not a good sign.

However, should your interest in the flick persist, I just added 18 new images to the gallery right here. Soak ‘em in and enjoy.

Related post categories: Features, Pictures and a Paragraph : 10,000 B.C.

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