Movie Review: 'Hellboy 2: The Golden Army'
Hope you didn't have your hopes up...
I can deal with the silly one-liners and the relationship issues between a demon from Hell and his firestarter girlfriend, but when the Fishman falls in love with the Elfish looking woman you can consider me stupefied.
Don't know what I am talking about? Why, I am talking about Hellboy 2: The Golden Army, the "Bold and the Beautiful" of all comic book films. There is a love story everywhere you turn and I don't think a gruff sounding underwear model with an eye patch could make this dialogue any more nauseating. What's even worse is that Hellboy 2 has a kick ass villain. Too bad the rest of the film is so bogged down with meaningless crap that you don't even care by the time he shows up.
Is Hellboy 2 impressive visually? You better believe it. Guillermo del Toro has never been anything less than a visionary director. He can make a turd on a log beautiful. The creatures are impressive. The battle scenes are loud. Everything about this film from a visual perspective is damn near flawless. Too bad it takes more than pretty pictures to make a two-hour motion picture any good. The first Hellboy was a mediocre achievement. It was neither great nor poor. It too was a pretty film, but the story lacked substance. Hellboy 2 is oozing substance, but it isn't the good kind.
Despite the fact that a rogue war between the fantasy realm and humankind is about to be unleashed, approximately 75% of Hellboy 2 focuses either on Hellboy's love for Liz and desire to be "accepted" or Abe Sapien's fanciful prance abouts before deciding he loves the Ally McBeal look-a-like sister of the man determined to crush mankind. This man, the villainous Prince Nuada played by Luke Goss is the only good thing about this movie. Goss has a presence and commands your attention. You want to hear what he has to say and why he is saying it. His character is the heart of the film, and so is his cause, but it is all lost in the love stories Del Toro decides to tell. Nuada's time on screen is limited, but when he is there it will be the only time you really find yourself paying complete attention.
Aquatic do gooder Abe Sapien was basically an afterthought in the first film, and it seems he should have been kept there. Not only is he basically a worthless hanger-on, his story arc only slows down the film to the point that you just wish he would get killed off in a horrible and gruesome fashion. Fish fry anyone? Outside of being a rather reliable pregnancy test his character does nothing but take up space and runtime.
Hellboy 2 is a Del Toro film through-and-through, but it just seems like when he is playing in this sandbox too much of his inner-child seeps into the school yard. Hellboy 2 is far too playful and far too harmful to be considered entertaining.
This film is going to get plenty of high marks from critics still blinded by Del Toro's rising star following his success with Pan's Labyrinth. While this film is visually on par with Pan, the story feels like people had way too much time on their hands and just continued to add scenes that should have been left on the cutting room floor. The effects are bigger. The weapons are bigger and the creatures are plentiful. Unfortunately the nearly 2 hour run time feels like an eternity, so much to the point that the film actually melted during my screening in an attempt to save us from any more torment. In the end they got it fixed and the foreseeable ending played out as planned.
Oh well, I guess I will have to wait and see if The Hobbit will be Del Toro's next great film.
D+
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