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Movie Review: Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009)

I didn't know they made trailers this long

Patrick Fugit, Chris Massoglia and Jessica Carlson in Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant
Photo: Universal Pictures

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant is based on the popular young adult fantasy novels written by Darren Shan, and while I'm not sure how rewarding the books are, the filmed adaptation is an insult to audiences everywhere. In lifeless fashion this film doesn't attempt to tell a worthwhile story and instead acts as a precursor to a franchise that will never exist due to the first film's failings. In short, The Vampire's Assistant is a one hour and 48 minute long commercial for The Vampire's Assistant: Part II. They better dust off the shelves at the abandoned franchise library as this one is destined to rest alongside other busted franchise starters such as Eragon and The Golden Compass.

In The Vampire's Assistant, Chris Massoglia stars as Darren, a 16-year-old high schooler with good grades and parents who love him. His best friend Steve (Josh Hutcherson) is a bit of a bad boy and when the two sneak out to go to a traveling freak show we eventually lose Darren to the world of the immortals. Turning into a vampire to save his friend, Darren joins said freak show all while the mysterious Mr. Tiny (Michael Cerveris) is after both he and Steve for reasons we will only find out in the previously mentioned Part II.

Darren becomes the assistant to a vampire played by John C. Reilly who looks about as bored as I felt, and who can blame him? For what it's worth nothing more happens outside of a CGI blob fight in an abandoned theater, Salma Hayek with a beard and a girl with a monkey tail. It's an exercise of excess without substance. To say anything ever happens in this film would be to insinuate we've never seen someone become a vampire on film before. It's territory that continues to be tread with hardly a beat skipped as each rendition tweaks the legend ever so slightly in an attempt to become unique. "True Blood" does more in 15 minutes than this film does in 108. I would even prefer to endure Twilight a second time before being bored stiff by this mess again.

Director Paul Weitz has some considerable hits under his belt with the likes of American Pie and About a Boy and even In Good Company — while suffering from the lack of a final payoff — was at least entertaining along the way. This film features good vampires, bad vampires, a wolfman and a snake boy and never once entertains outside of a couple of mild chuckles provided by Ken Watanabe as Mr. Tall.

At all costs avoid this lazy film that hopes to cash in on the current vampire craze without even trying in hopes it will propel itself high enough to warrant a sequel, which will most likely never happen even though it probably holds the meat of the story that should have been told here.

GRADE: D
Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant was released by Universal Pictures on October 23, 2009 and was directed by Paul Weitz. The MPAA has rated it PG-13 for sequences of intense supernatural violence and action, disturbing images, thematic elements and some language. The cast includes John C. Reilly, Salma Hayek, Ken Watanabe, Willem Dafoe, Josh Hutcherson, Chris Massoglia, Patrick Fugit, Orlando Jones, Frankie Faison, Colleen Camp, Don McManus and Ray Stevenson.

For more information on this film including pictures, trailers and a detailed synopsis click here.


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Post #1
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oh no! Patrick Fugit got dragged into this? sad times.

- JAB
( October 23rd, 2009 | 4:42 am )
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Post #2
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I am this movie's biggest fan and even I think it's a mess most of the time.

- Brian Zitzelman
( October 23rd, 2009 | 9:38 am )
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Post #3
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I'd rather watch "Twilight," too. Twilight is at least absolutely hilarious, though it isn't meant to be. I have a thing for love stories that are completely ludicrous but told with absolute sincerity, and Twilight fills the bill, along with Star Wars Ep. II. And they're the only ones that manage both so spectacularly.

But as for "Cirque du Freak"? I'm bored already, and that's just reading what it's about. Count me out.

- JM
( October 23rd, 2009 | 9:39 pm )
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Post #4
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I liked the movie it was great no body should judge it like this. Its a great movie and everyone should go see it. I likes it and i hope they do a second movie

- Mariah Woolley
( October 24th, 2009 | 12:28 pm )
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Post #5
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Let’s face it this movie was never going to match the book but that was the same story with the Harry potter series and look how successful those movies have been .As I have read the whole Series I can also tell you that the first few books are the least exciting so just give universal a chance to redeem its self with the more exciting books .Apart from that this film respectively is not aimed at your age grope where as “twilight” and “true blood” are so maybe in the future you should keep to your own age group . In my opinion this film may not be the best film of the year but has lade the foundations for the much more exciting sequel very well.

- john fowler
( October 26th, 2009 | 11:14 am )
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Post #6
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this movie is bad if you have not read at least the first four in the series if you have you will understand alot more and know all about the movie and love it but the interviewer did not read the series so she should read it then interview the movie for it to be fair I have read each book in the series and after watching the movie i give it a B

- parker
( October 31st, 2009 | 8:15 am )
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Post #7
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this movie was confusing, if you didnt read the books. ill admit they screwed a few things up, they should have done it exactly like the book is. this movie was still good but you must hace read the series of the saga to fully understand and like it just like a few others said, just wait for a sequel and give a chance another thing just read the books!!!

- justin
( November 2nd, 2009 | 2:27 pm )
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Post #8
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this was a good movie and shouldent be compared to the stupid twilight siries in any way because the book was written before twililight and the movie was filmed before twilight and if your going to comapre you should atleast know all you facts.
baka.

- Courtney
( November 7th, 2009 | 3:24 pm )
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Post #9
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movie was good definately not as good as the books but if they dont make a sequel they are idiots the best part is coming up next

- joe
( November 8th, 2009 | 12:14 am )
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Post #10
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I have never read the books and I still liked the movie and hope they make more. It was 10 times better the wast of space twilight movie give me more like this what vampire sparkles in the sun fuck that

- Ryan
( November 15th, 2009 | 2:13 am )
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Post #11
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This movie completely sucked. I mean since I'm a fan of the book series, I thought that the movie completely slaughtered the story. But even when I look at the movie from the point of view of someone who has never read the books the movie still sucks. Everything happens too fast and it has a cheap, plastic, and childish feel to it.

- Johnny Alvarez
( November 24th, 2009 | 9:09 am )
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Post #12
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This movie is both good and bad. It was loosely based on the books which may have disappointed the many fans. It was very quick to get through 3 books which I think wasn't a good idea what so ever.
I like it because the books are very well written and I find the movie funny. It seems to have good sales. The first week it came out in Ukraine, it went to number 1.
This movie would have been better had they not have crammed 3 books into such a short time.

- Erin
( December 3rd, 2009 | 9:22 pm )
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Post #13
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i think that the books were better than the film but i still think that this film was way better than what you said it was like. I thought the film was great because the it added comedy to the book.

- kim
( December 5th, 2009 | 1:14 pm )
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Post #14
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snake boys kind of cute, he reminds me of someone but i can't put my hand on it. all i know is that he was in a movie called The Amatures of something? a group of people who decide to mack a porno [lmao] so i looked up the cast of that movie and found out his name, which it says up in the picture, Patrick Fugit. he's a cutie:p

- yami
( December 14th, 2009 | 7:53 am )
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Post #15
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@yami: Ya, The Amatures. Funny, Patrick Fugit plays Evra.

- Erin
( December 23rd, 2009 | 3:37 am )
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Post #16
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That movie was awesome! Darren and Steve were both hot and i read all the books after i saw the movie the books r better than the movie though

- Julie
( January 31st, 2010 | 11:11 pm )
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