Yes, Megatron will be in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. And, yes, it will be awesome! But I bet you don't know how it is all going to end… Well, I got the scoop straight from Michael Bay's mouth as I had a sit down interview with the helmer over the weekend from a glass submarine at an undisclosed location in the middle of nowhere, and you won't believe the juicy nuggets the robots will be defecating on audiences this summer.

For those that didn't read my report on why the Transformers weren't featured at the 2009 Oscars despite a plea from The Bay you can read up on it here, but this new piece of information The Bay has revealed is sure to give the robots in disguise an Oscar slot in 2010. What worked once must work again… right?

My original intention for this interview was to find out what kind of humor The Bay had in store this time around, and I did get a small bite. As I am sure all of you remember from the first Transformers there were several memorable comedic moments such as when the Transformers stumbled and bumbled around Sam's parent's house. How laugh-out-loud hilarious was that?!?!?! Or how about when Bumblebee "relieved" himself on Jon Turturro's head!?!? I still get a chuckle just thinking about it. However, don't expect such wild and crazy antics this time around as The Bay isn't making this one for the kiddies.

"It's gonna be dark, dark as night," The Bay told me with an obvious tip of the hat to a familiar fanboy favorite, "and it will be the only summer 2009 movie with robots worth watching. Although some may try to copy what we're doing they can never duplicate what I'm doing… that is until they get their own direct line to the Pentagon!" The Bay laughs at this last line knowing full well he is the only Hollywood director with a personal contact at the Pentagon, which is one of the reasons he is so cool.

However, cool points weren't the subject of conversation as we quickly transitioned to a matter of prestige. "Since the stuck up Academy doesn't think a blockbuster, millions of dollars, kick ass, best movie ever is worthy of a Best Picture nomination we've made a film that won't give 'em a choice," The Bay told me with an air of confidence. "Transformers 2 is not only going to blow the doors off the theaters it is going to be a film critic's and stuffed shirt Academy member's nightmare as they will have no choice but to love it and call it the best movie of 2009."

Obviously a little confused, I had to ask how he planned to do this since the first Transformers wasn't even able to beat out The Golden Compass for Best Visual Effects in 2008.

"Pardon my French, but baisez The Golden Compass! Talking polar bears? That's what you have for me? No one even saw that movie. My movie pulled in hundreds of millions, was awesome and we get to make a sequel. Where's the sequel to The Golden Compass?" The Bay was obviously getting worked up so I cooled him down with a Zima and reminded him how much money he had. Slowly we brought it back to his plan for baiting the Oscar crowd.

"Well, I'm thinking of a little something called Slumdog Millionaire, only with Transformers 2 the fans won't have to worry about the picture itself being Oscar-worthy. I won't be selling out and turning it into some kind of Holocaust film where Megan Fox gets naked only to get railed by some 16-year-old. Instead I am saving it all for the end like Slumdog did." The Bay continued, "Since Jazz got ripped in two in the last film and won't have a part in the new film we felt it was only right to bring him back for our own Slumdog ending."

For those that don't know, at the end of Slumdog Millionaire the cast does a Bollywood dance segment to the Oscar-winning song "Jai Ho" (video to the right) and since then the Pussycat Dolls have put together a remix with A.R. Rahman and it is that song that works into The Bay's plans.

"We are going to do our own Bollywood dance segment and we are going to use the 'Jai Ho' Pussycat remake," The Bay tells me. "Everyone saw Jazz's dance moves in the first film and knows he is down with the homies. So, he will lead the rest of the Autobots and even a surprise performance by Soundwave as he calls upon Ravage who turns into a tape cassette and supplies the beats. It is going to destroy what Danny Boyle did — no disrespect. Much love and Jai Ho!"

At first it was hard to tell if he was serious or joking as he stopped talking for a moment and just stared at me, but when he mentioned the "Jai Ho" remix beat out the new version of "The Touch" which was performed by Stan Bush on the soundtrack for the animated Transformers film in the '80s I knew he had spent some time thinking about it and it had to be legit.

As the interview came to a close I did bring up the recent news concerning Transformers 3 and the mistaken release date. Bay told me Paramount simply got it wrong and the third movie would be coming out in 2012. He did, however, drop a little home video nugget saying he is going to make a push to have Transformers and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen released from the Criterion Collection. "If Paramount can get that David Fincher crap movie Ben Button in the Criterion Collection they can certainly get the Transformers films in there. Hell, I already have two movies in the Collection (Armageddon and The Rock) and everyone will soon realize just how important both the Transformer films are to the history of cinema. My name will be up there with Kurosawa and Bergman!"

You can listen to the Pussycat Dolls remix of "Jai Ho" by clicking play directly below.

Related post categories: Satire : Michael Bay, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

This article and its contents are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

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