It was just reported in both Variety and The Hollywood Reporter that Stephen Sommers will direct Tarzan, Lord of the Apes for Warner Bros. with a script by Stuart Beattie in what I can only imagine is an attempt to bring some Pirates of the Caribbean wackiness to the vine-swinging story considering Sommers’ pedigree.

Sommers recently wrapped production on G.I. Joe, also a Beattie script, and this outing will by the director’s second time heading into the jungle following his adaptation of Rudyard Kipling’s novel, the live-action version of The Jungle Book back in 1994, which preemed to a less than stellar reception. Sommers has since that time directed The Mummy, The Mummy Returns and Van Helsing, and he has some high expectations to live up to considering two years ago, the studio was negotiating with Guillermo del Toro to direct. So with a screenwriter in place it comes down to casting and I have taken the time to throw the scenario into the patented RopeofSilicon Cast Name Producing Box™ and run through five likely scenarios and this was the result in no particular order.

Brendan Fraser

I figured I would get the obvious choice out of the way right away. Fraser’s career was somewhat renewed by The Mummy franchise and Sommers even found a small role for him in G.I. Joe. Considering he started his career playing a caveman in Encino Man and already played the title character in George of the Jungle you would think this would be a casting no-brainer. Perhaps Fraser and Sommers could team together a la Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, one group covers the asinine and the other covers the weird. You decide who handles what.

Matthew McConaughey

What kind of Tarzan do we want? If you want a realistic one that you can believe would groom a gorilla and live in the dirt then you already cast Brendan Fraser and are moving on. However, if you want a little surfer dude in your Lord Greystoke. Who knows, maybe a wave riding McConaughey sporting a fake English accent is exactly what Sommers needs to complete this tale. Just imagine Tarzan having a heart to heart with a fellow ape friend who is down on his luck, “You just gotta keep on swingin’, man. S-W-I-N-G-I-N.” Oh, and when I mention the English accent thing I meant it. To satisfy Matt’s lack of talent Tarzan would need to be a speaking role and all the apes would need to speak as well.

Billy Bob Thornton

If we are going for an older Tarzan, but not too old (we like Robin Williams for the hair and stink factor, but 57 is pushing it) we could go with the slightly younger, fit as a fiddle, Billy Bob Thornton at the ripe age of 53. Thornton would be more of a laid back and lazy Tarzan. He would be the Tarzan that would look at the head ape and say, “Screw you, you pick bugs outta your own fur!” He wouldn’t be one to deal with anyone’s shenanigans. When Miss Jane Porter arrives on the scene he would spring into action. First introducing himself, he shows up drunk on jungle juice, but Jane would still manage to see through his rude behavior for the lost and innocent boy he once was. It really would be a touching moment in the film and an Oscar caliber performance to boot.

Jackie Chan

Up to this point we have only looked at a few white folk that are going to need stunt doubles for any of the action sequences. Take for example when Tarzan needs to pull an ape escape, we don’t need a Matthew McConaughey look-a-like stunt double swinging around. Let’s get an acotr that can do the real thing and throw the camera right up in their face. Tarzan isn’t much of a speaking role anyway, so Chan’s difficulty with English won’t matter either. On top of that, you also get one of those great gag reels for the credit sequence, it’s like a twofer anytime you cast Jackie!

Chris Kattan

I saved probably the most obvious choice for last. Yup, even more obvious than Brendan Fraser considering Kattan’s performance as Mr. Peepers is probably just what Stephen Sommers is looking for. He’s unruly, limber and up for anything and on top of that he will most likely guarantee the film would be awful, which is what Sommers always seems to target. Just look at him go in the clip below as he shows his ability to act with big names such as Kevin Spacey and Will Ferrell. A genius at work…

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