Recently I reviewed the most recent three “CSI” DVD seasons (Seventh Season of the original, Fifth Season of “Miami” and the Third Season of “New York”) and the original remains the best, “New York” is okay, but “Miami” is a travesty of mish mash garbage.

Now, of course I use the term “slut” in the headline to reference characters and not the actual actors, because we all know actors are upstanding individuals, each and every one of them. As for “CSI: Miami” we have a whole crew of … *ah hem* … sluts, the women on the show are given second rate lines and shirts two sizes too small and the trend for high quality seems to continue as former Showgirls star Elizabeth Berkley is joining the cast for a short while.

Let’s recap what we have so far…

The first time I remember noticing Emily Proctor was when she appeared on “The West Wing” as Ainsley Hayes and battled it out with Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe). It was great and I immediately fell in love with her. Then, come to find out she is one of the leads on “CSI: Miami” I thought she was the best thing about the show. However, after reviewing the fifth season of the show on DVD I find out they decided to have her unbutton a few more buttons and slut it up on the scene of the crime. I am all for tit, but it was a bit ridiculous to have her all of a sudden thrustin’ the puppies.

Talk about flashing tit! Here we have the medical examiner Dr. Alexx Woods, yeah, Alexx… with the double-x and she is showing off the double-Ds and should earn an extra “x” in that name as she is about as convincing as a medical examiner as I am as a Republican. I just love how all the “CSI” shows emphasize how little they get paid and Miss Woods here shows up on scene with her fake tits and and Coco Chanel sunglasses.

My only beef with Eva is that she is cute. As a newcomer to the show in 2005 it would have been nice if they had cast a “normal” looking person instead of someone they believe to be a target for misguided youths looking for a little rub-n-tug masterial.*

I know he isn’t one of the women on the show, but can you really forgo a chance to talk about “CSI: Miami” and not talk about this head cocked douche? Caruso is lucky this show has any kind of viewership because after all his head-cocking he will now be type cast as someone that must play a character that wears sunglasses and needs to remove them before talking, followed by a head cock and the hands on the hip motion. Oh man, aren’t we cool?

So, who better to join the crew of these miscreant sluts and slime than Elizabeth Berkley, an actress that has already proven her acting worth as a stripper in Showgirls and as a whore in Any Given Sunday. Of course Berkley is only joining in a “guest star” capacity, but the mere fact that she will be playing Horatio’s (Caruso) former wife and the mother of his recently discovered teenage son (she is so loose she forgot she had a son), Kyle (Evan Ellingson) leads me to believe that there has to be at least a two episode arc here if not more as she becomes part of an investigation when her billionaire husband is murdered.

I am sure no matter what happens we will get some real acting out of Caruso, maybe even a tear… No?

At least a really bad pun to start the episode off?

Ahhh, thanks.

What a crew this “CSI: Miami” has put together. Along with the kaleidescope of colors the boys in the post production suite apply to the final product as if they just opened Final Cut Pro the sixth season should be a right pile of trash in quality and in character.

Talk about not learning anything from your predecessors. I expect “CSI: Miami” to one day be found at the juvenile correctional facilities while it’s big brothers go on to get their degrees and fancy cars.

* That use of the non-word “masterial” was a typo and I must say I found it oddly fitting to the rest of the sentence.

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